why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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