Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
They are going to name an STD after you.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
