I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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