It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
