I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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