Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Randomize
