I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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