he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
