They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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