My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
