How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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