Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
