I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
The air taste purple.
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