My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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