i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
