My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
