I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He passed out mid-signature
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
