I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
