I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
