My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
