Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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