I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
