Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
