census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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