The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
