Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
