he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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