I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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