Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
