He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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