my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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