i would punch a child for taco bell
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
