A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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