I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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