If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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