my phone needs a breathalizer
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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