Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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