they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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