I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
