she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
