We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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