he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
