im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
