you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
