I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
