The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
