I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
40s are totally the cure
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
