I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I need water and some morals
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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