I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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