I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
