saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
