What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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