Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
