He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
