Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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